SETTING MYSELF ON FIRE TO KEEP OTHER WARM
It is said that codependency is part of life. Everyone like to care for others. However when coming from a dysfunctional family and those experiences has affected ones self-esteem, we develop coping mechanism to compensate for it. One pattern of behavior or interpersonal connection with others, is compulsive care taking and controlling others. The codependents self-esteem is directly proportionate to how much they are needed in a relationship. This need could be based on a false believe as the codependent will often take on responsibility of others, at the expense of themselves, as their needs are not being met, and others as they are enabling them.
Codependency have many feature of addiction. There is a compulsive need to caretaker and control other. There is an element of denial as their behavior is perceived as not damaging others but actually helping them. however the reality is that there is a self-serving motive behind the behavior i.e. to numb the pain of the early abandonment and rejection they experiences informative years. and to avoid the emptiness of their own lives by focusing on other.
We often see this behavior manifest when codependents are in a relationship with and addicted person. They struggled to admit their own powerlessness over the other person’s addiction and will do more and more for the person. one could say they are addicted to helping the other person, however for them to continue to help the addicted person needs to remain sick. When the addicted person recovers, the codependent is face with a crises as they are no longer needed to caretaker. The emptiness resurfaces and can push the codependent into recovery or into another compulsive care taking role.
Recovery from codependency is similar to the recovery process of and substance addiction.
- Dismantling denial.
- Conceptualizing the behavior.
- Understanding at what price this behavior comes.
- Learning new interpersonal skills e.g. understanding boundaries
- Learning effective communications skills regarding needs and emotions.
- Focusing on self.
SHARING IS CARING
