One of the methods addicts use to manipulate their significant others is though splitting the alliance these people are making against the addict’s addiction. The strategy involves turning the significant others against each other to take the focus off the addict and the addiction.
In the example of parents with an addicted child, splitting can manifest in the parents arguing about how to address their child’s addiction. One parent might be partial to a softer approach where the other might want to be more confronting. This could result in them blaming each other for the problem. Meanwhile, while this is happening the attention is off the addicted child, who continues to use. The addict will go to one parent complaining about the other or manipulate one parent into keeping a secrete about the addiction, from the other parent. This dynamic is quite common in a system where addiction is present. Another example could be where a spouse is addicted. The addicted spouse then splits between his/her husband/wife and the extended family. They might complain to the extended family that their wife/husband is the problem and that their drinking or using is as a result of them. The extended family then might blame the husban//wife. This again then takes the focus off the real issue which is the addiction and the addict takes on the role of the victim which justifies the drinking and using.
To prevent the splitting, the significant others of the addict need to form a united front against the addiction, not the addict. They will not be hooked into the drama the addict tries to use as a deflection from the addiction.
This is often easier said than done, as often these systems where caught in the drama and chaos from many years. They are susceptible to be triggered into reverting to the status quo. It takes a concerted effort to change the status quo and maintain a healthier system. The new system will value honesty, vulnerability, boundaries and personal responsibility and try and avoid old traps like self-pity, persecution and rescuing.
Tired of the drama and chaos?
SHARING IS CARING
